I don’t think this will come as a surprise to anyone reading this wether you’ve read my blog once or twice, or if you know me in real life, but I have a serious problem with my self esteem. I mean it is non existent. I am so totally uncomfortable if someone compliments me in anyway. I don’t believe them. I think they are just being nice. When it comes to my family, I feel they are obligated to say nice things about me.
It’s something that I’ve dealt with all my life. It basically started in school. I was not popular. I was picked on quite a bit. At the very least l, the kids would give me a hard time for things. I went to a private Catholic School in the Bay Area and I was basically the short, fat, poor kid in class. Now I’m not going to say it was everyone because it wasn’t. I had a handful of kids there I felt truly were my friends. One in particular was one of my best friends and will always be dear to me.
The worst was actually the principle of our school, Sr. Delores or as my mom called her, Big D. She was always giving me a hard time for things. Called me a liar to my face because I was a confused young child and though my brother might need a heart transplant instead if a heart valve transplant, and there were plenty of other situations.
So the whole thing helped lead me to having negative feelings about not only my weight and what I looked like but myself as a person.
To this day I am terrified to say or even think anything positive about myself because if I did, someone will surely laugh and contradict my opinion then make fun of me for even thinking someone positively about myself.
Am I making sense? I feel like I’m just rambling but I just need to get this out.
I don’t know how to change the way I feel. I think a part of me wants to stay this way because it is familiar. But I d any continue this way. I’ll surely end up alone and regretting a lot in my life if I do.