Happy New Year

I have really missed blogging the last few months but I think I just needed a break to clear my head and get through at least some of this grief.  I still struggle but things are getting better. I go through moments where I have good weeks then bad. Thanksgiving through Christmas was really hard.  That was her favorite time of year. Our whole family could tell that her presence was missing.

I am getting help though to not only to get through the loss of my mother but also to help heal myself.  I have so many insecurities and it’s been pretty debilitating. I was really awkward growing up unless I was close to you and my goal in life was to pretty much become invisible.  And it pretty much worked. Now I have to work at undoing all of that. It’s hard work but I know I need this.

Anyway, I’ll keep up on the progress as it goes along but I just wanted to give you a little bit of an update.

For the first time in my life I think I’m glad Christmas is over. We got the hardest one out of the way and now I can be more organized for the next one (no really!). My friend told me about an app called Santa’s Bag where you can keep a list of who you want to give to, how much you want to spend on each person, what you bought for them (and how much that item was) and if you’ve wrapped it, and given it.  So I can just keep on top at least knowing how much I am planning on spending so I can save up sooner!

I am still sticking with Weight Watchers and considering I’m only up 1 1/2 pounds above my heaviest compared to when my dad died, which was 40 pounds, I consider that a success.  I am really liking the enhanced Weight Watchers program called Freestyle and I will start a post on that right after this so it can be on its own.

My aunt and I went to St. Helena last Saturday on the 8th anniversary of my dad’s death but it was a good day. We walked around Main Street in St. Helena and had an early lunch at my parent’s favorite restaurant in the town called Market.  The food was so good! Then we went to visit my dad and next to him is my Great Grandfather and my Great Uncle Joe.  Nearby in another family plot is my Great Aunt with her husband and his family.  So we have a lot of history in Napa County.

I love going to the Wine Country because it feels like I’m in a different country.  I’m away from the bustle of Sacramento and the Bay Area and I feel a connection probably because of the family history and we went there a lot as kids when my dad would go visit the wineries for his job.

This coming weekend my cousin is coming to visit for a few days from the East Bay and I’m going to (try to) teach her how to crochet and we’re going to the Global Winter Wonderland which is held at Cal Expo (where they host the state fair in the summer) and have a movie night with my brother and his son and nieces and I’m sure we’ll do some other fun things. I’m really looking forward to it.

I think that’s all I have for now but wanted to give you a (not so) quick update and know I’m back and planning on posting a lot more often especially about weight watchers and the updated program. Bye!

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Getting By

I’m still here. I must admit I’ve been avoiding writing because my computer’s on the fritz but at the moment it’s being okay.  Thank God for Apple Support. They are so helpful!

Anyway, I’m struggling hard with everything. I know it’s to be expected but I want to get some of this weight off so I feel better and don’t have this huge gut in my way. I carry it mainly in my stomach region which is both annoying as hell and not the healthiest place to carry excess weight. It’s because of the PCOS that I carry it there but I don’t want to talk about that right now.

I am just getting by each day right now in a fog almost. I do get things done that have to be done but I feel so lost without my mom.  Most days at work I’m fine, but all I want to do after is go home and go to bed.  I just lay in bed most of my evenings and waste the day away.  I hate this. I wish my mom was here. I don’t know what to do with myself. Tonight is a bad night I’ll admit but good days are just spent being numb laying in bed unless there’s somewhere I need to be.

I did go to a Disney meeting last weekend which was good for me to do and I did have a lot of fun. But when get togethers and time with family or friends is done, I go straight to my room. I don’t do anything with my life.

Depression really sucks the life out of you.  I am on the max dose I can take for Lexapro and I do have to give myself a break with what I’m going through but I don’t have the strength to get off my ass and go do something.  Other than eat…  I graze at work, some days after work or at lunch I have been grabbing some crap at some fast food restaurant and eating away my feelings.  Then I’m so full for the rest of the day and feel so drained and numb that I just lay in bed watching YouTube or Netflix or whatever.

I feel like I’m rambling and not making much sense so I apologize for the lack of quality if that is the case in this post. I just needed almost a brain dump of words or something before getting to bed as it’s 10:15 on a Wednesday night so I better call it quits now. Thanks for putting up with my brain for today.

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New Chapter of My Life

Now that the funeral, moving out of the apartment, and all of that is behind me, I’ve been focusing on this new chapter of my life.  Trying to be social and do things with friends and go do more independent things. It’s kind of scary because I’m kind of socially awkward and I’m used to having someone with me that I can attach myself to.  It’s hard but I started working on that when I started going to the Disney club and I know the more I go to things the easier it’ll be for me. At least I hope so. And I do enjoy spending time with friends and doing things but I’m worried that awkwardness won’t ever go away.

This weekend I’m going to San Francisco to the Generation Beauty convention that is hosted by IPSY that monthly makeup subscription.  There will be a lot of YouTube creators and makeup/beauty companies and I’ve been looking forward to this since we got tickets. I’m going with Gina’s sisters and their best friend so it’ll be my first ever girls weekend. I know… Sad that I didn’t have that until I turned 34 but as I said, social awkward, and I always wanted to spend time with my family. It’s just what we did.

Anyway, I also think I’m going to lean a different way with the blog too. I’m reading a book on PCOS and it’s giving me new motivation to actually take care of the symptoms associated with PCOS and I’ll talk about that later.  My computer’s not working at the moment so I’m not able to post at home so I have to wait until my breaks at work to get something out and that time is coming to an end. I’ll be sharing what I got at the event soon and thinking up other things to write about.

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Worst Day of My Life

This one has been really hard for me to find the emotional capability to start.  On May 10th, my mother passed away suddenly to a heart attack.  I’m sure you can tell if I haven’t said anything before, that I was extremely close to my mom.  I spent every free minute I had with her. This truly is my worst fear come true.  I am trying to just get through each day in tact because there is so much to do.  I gave my 30 days notice at the apartment complex because 1, I can’t afford to live there on my own, and 2, I can’t handle being their by myself without her. Thank God my aunt let me move back in until I can get back on my feet.

We had her rosary and funeral mass/reception in early June which was beautiful and I’m so happy it turned out so well. I think stress was a main culprit but her health and eating habits weren’t great either.  She was so stressed about money and she didn’t have much of a social life while I was at work and with her eating habits (not much food and all carby sugary stuff) she hit her limit.  I think really that God thought she just had enough.  She’d been through enough in her life and suffered most of her life with depression and other issues and I am thankful she didn’t suffer the way my dad did.  If she had gone that way, I wouldn’t have been able to survive that.  I really don’t think I would have.  It’s hard enough now but that would have literally killed me to see.

It’s been over two months now that she’s been gone and it will take me a long time to get back to a normal life and I will give myself that time because I have to start a new life without her. I can’t tell you how many times I put off writing this and starting and stopping because I just can’t get through it but I felt this needed to be said. I will stick with this blog and posting more often to keep my mind busy but that will be for another post.

If you can learn anything from this, please don’t let time go to waste with your family. Tell them you love them and how much they mean to you. Create special memories, and don’t leave things left unsaid. You may not have a chance to say them next time. Thank you to the abundance of love and support I have gotten from my friends and family. They all know how hard this is for me and I feel grateful to know even when I feel alone, I’m not.

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Switching Things Up with Simply Filling

I haven’t been doing well lately with tracking and I’ve been eating a lot of processed foods and eating things I probably should stay away from so I decided to give my body a break from the junk food and try out Simply Filling.

If you don’t know, Simply Filling, is Weight Watchers non-tracking plan.  You can eat as much of the Simply Filling foods as you need and not track those foods.  You still get your weeklies for foods that aren’t on the list to use throughout the day and you can do this day by day instead of week by week. So the plan is to track points on weekends so I have flexiblity and follow simply filling during the week.

I did write a post several years ago on what Simply Filling is when they were still counting Points Plus and I think the plan is still the same. So if you’d like to read into what Simply Filling is all about, click here. I think in a week or two (once I get a little more familiar with the Simply Filling plan) I’m going to get another post together to give you an update on the Simply Filling plan as I took a quick look over that post I linked to and it is pretty old so it would probably be good to get a refreshed post out.

I did the Simply Filling method about 1/2 of this week. The plan was to track on the weekends and do simply filling on the weekdays.  We did end up going to a family friends’ pizza restaurant and I knew except for salad (minus dressing), there wouldn’t be anything for me to eat.  I kept thinking, what can I get before so I have my dinner and in the end, I just decided to track that day and have pizza for dinner.  So that is my favorite part of this and I can live my life without being a pain in the butt or inconveniencing myself and my family in the process.

So far the days I did do Simply Filling, I have felt very satisfied and I felt like I didn’t have a weight tied to me with tracking, and how many points is that, and obsessing over everything and it feels more like a lifestyle change than the points do to me.  It also makes the days that I do track like less of a hassle because I don’t have to do it every day.

I will say though I am still having a hard time with cravings.  When the pizza was in front of my face, I ate way more than I care to admit, and the following day my brother and nephew came to visit after school and he got a Little Caesar’s pizza and I ate a couple of pieces of that. (I also had a couple of donuts at work Thursday because my co-worker brought them in) so I have some work to do on controlling myself around certain foods.

Ironically enough, I’m really tired of pizza but you put it in front of my face and I turn into Mr. Hyde!

That being said, I wasn’t expecting much from my weigh-in on Thursday and MUCH to my surprise, I lost 5.4 pounds! I did a double take and looked at the woman weighing me in and she told me how much and I was just so stunned.  I think I’m going to stick with tracking points on the weekends and simply filling during the weekdays then adjust as needed because it definitely seems to be a better fit for me at the moment.

I am really excited about trying new things and seeing where this road takes me and I will definitely keep you all posted on my progress.

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Lenten Season is Here

I missed a couple of meetings since last time I wrote due to Gina’s Rosary being one night and last Thursday was my nephew’s school recital but I did go weigh in on Saturday and found out that the old leader my aunt and I had where she lives hosts those meetings now.  I did gain 2 1/2 pounds which wasn’t a surprise. This whole ordeal with Gina has been really hard but hopefully I can find a way to cope with everything going on with something other than food.

Last Saturday I also went to my aunt’s house and we went and got her set up at Verizon with an iPhone.  It’s her very first smart phone and I showed her the basics so she knew how to make a call, text, where the settings were, etc. and I’m going to show her more things each week because it’s easier for her to learn as she goes instead of getting an overload of information.  My mom ended up coming by too and we all went to mass together at my aunt’s church, then out for dinner. So it was a good and busy day.

I decided to give up all fast food (McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, etc.) and soda for lent. I also want to do the “blue dot challenge” again which is when you are able to track online you get a daily healthy points range which is no less than 3 points below and no more than 7 points above your daily points target. Mine being 33 per day, I need to stay between 30 and 40 points per day and if I do, it shows a little blue dot on the calendar under journey tab on the app (probably online too) I haven’t been great with tracking yesterday and today but I’m going to log in everything and hopefully I didn’t do too bad. I did have lunch with my friend at the Old Spaghetti Factory today so hopefully I had the points left over for that…

I am looking forward to getting to my meeting tomorrow. I miss my meetings, I like the people there and I like my leader.  She’s genuine and friendly. So tomorrow I will write about what our meeting was about but since Lent is a completely different subject, I thought I’d post that first. The meeting post will come out probably Friday or Saturday.

Anywho… I thought I’d just write a quick blip on my break to keep the blog going and know I’m still working on my journey!

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Getting Back on Track

I know I mention it every time I post but I’m sorry for being gone so long.  Not only to the people who read my blog but to myself as well because I know it’s helpful for me to journal, even if it isn’t overly personal, I still feel like it’s an outlet for me.

My family has been dealing with a lot in the last couple of months and last Monday, my sister-in-law, Gina, lost her battle with cancer.  She died in her sleep and we knew she didn’t have long but we didn’t think it would be that fast. We are still raw and in shock that she went so fast.  She touched so many peoples lives and I feel very lucky that she was part of my life for as short of a time as it was. I miss her so much and feel angry that my nephew had to lose his mother at such a young age. I’m angry too that my brother became a 27 year-old widower.  It’s just so wrong.

Anyway, I’ve been keeping up with going to at least weigh in at meetings but I’ve had other things going on the last few Thursdays and I don’t have enough time to sit in for a meeting on my 1/2 hour lunch break when I do have to go at that time. I did stay for this week’s meeting which is a topic I’m always needing to work on and that is clutter. Not just physical, but mental clutter.

If you’ve been reading for a while you know that I go to Fresno every year for this big block yard sale my aunt’s neighborhood holds in May so being that it’s so close, it’s something I need to really work on and I think if I can really get a handle on the physical clutter, it can help with the mental clutter.  So my plan for Sunday is to get a good chunk of that out of the way so I have some of my crap to bring down there.

She also talked to us about stresses and what we can do to keep stress from getting the better of us, not just eating out of stress, but for our own mental sanity.  I am reading up on meditation and want to start doing meditation at least 10 minutes a day but I guess I don’t know how to start.  Do I just sit and pay attention to my breathing or what do I do? I have been researching and looking to see if there are any podcasts or apps that are good for meditation where I don’t have to spend money (or not much) to help me get started.

That’s about it from me. My goal is to just get a post out per week on the Weight Watchers topics and anything going on in my life, may be late next week and I won’t be able to make a full on meeting because Gina’s rosary is that Thursday but I will get an idea of what was talked about from the weekly handout.

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